


still mine

by transbuck



Series: summer buddie week 2019 [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 19:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19179568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transbuck/pseuds/transbuck
Summary: To say that Eddie’s been acting weird lately would be the biggest understatement.





	still mine

**Author's Note:**

> *shows up a week late to my own buddie week with some hurt/comfort and gay eddie*  
> umm happy late buddie week yall! heres the fic i wrote for day 5's prompt, coming out  
> as usual, find me on tumblr @diazbuckley! i hope yall enjoy my First Entry To My Own Goddamn Week

To say that Eddie’s been acting weird lately would be the biggest understatement. He’s been really tense and stressed out and has been avoiding going out with everyone more and more often. Eddie’s never really been super into going out with everyone, but he’s been seeming less and less keen on leaving the house lately. It breaks Buck’s heart, seeing Eddie so clearly struggling with a lot emotionally without knowing how to help him.

But then, a very strange, very wonderful thing happens. Eddie invites Buck over to his place for some drinks and a movie. Buck hopes that this is a sign that he’s starting to open up again. Maybe even that he might tell Buck what’s wrong, but Buck’s not holding his breath on that. All he wants to do is spend some time with his best friend slash guy he has a crush on to bring that handsome smile that Buck loves so much back to his face.

The evening is… awkward. Very tense. While Buck is sprawled out across the couch like he always does when he spends time at Eddie’s place, limbs spread out like he owns the place, Eddie is sitting very rigidly. His whole body is tensed up, curled in on himself a little on the complete opposite end from the couch as Buck. It’s strange, since Eddie usually sits so close that their knees bump up against each other whenever either one of them shifts. Buck figures it’s all just part of the weird mood Eddie’s been in for the last couple of weeks, but that doesn’t make his heart ache any less. He wishes he could be close to Eddie, both physically and emotionally, so he can comfort him and help him through whatever it is that’s bothering him.

When the movie Eddie put on is nearly over, curiosity starts taking over Buck’s mind. Usually when Eddie invites him over for drinks and a movie, they’ll watch as many movies as either of them can stay awake for before Eddie retires to his room and Buck passes out on the couch, or until they both pass out on the couch, slumped against each other in positions that make their necks and bodies ache in the morning (it’s always worth it. Being pressed up against Eddie is _always_ worth it). But because of the weird mood Eddie’s been in, Buck’s unsure of whether or not that’ll be allowed. _That_ being him spending the night. He figures maybe inviting him over was Eddie’s way of reaching out, asking him to be there for him, but Buck doesn’t know if that means an overnight stay. He wonders if Eddie’s going to ask him to leave or not, and he wonders what he might say if Eddie does.

Finally, the credits of the movie are rolling. Buck spares a quick glance Eddie’s way only to see the man in question staring down at the beer bottle in his hands, picking at the label. His whole posture screams nervousness and anxiety, and Buck’s worried about him. Eddie’s always rather composed and calm—he’s never like this. It makes Buck’s heart ache a little to see him shaking and closed off. He wants to ask what’s wrong, but he’s not sure if that’s allowed.

But of course his stupid mouth doesn’t wait long enough to consider that.

“What’s going on with you?” Buck says, cringing as soon as the words come out. They sound a little harsher than Buck intends for them to. Eddie looks up from his bottle in surprise, eyes wide as he looks over at Buck. “Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I'm just… I'm worried about you, man. Is everything okay?”

Eddie shrugs, looking back at his bottle. He stares at it for a moment before leaning over to set it down on the coffee table. “I don’t know,” he finally says, voice quieter and more broken than Buck’s ever heard as he fiddles with his hands that are resting on his lap.

“You sure about that?” Buck asks, trying his best to adopt a gentle, comforting voice. “Cause you've been acting weird this last couple of weeks and I'm… I'm just worried that something's going on and-”

“I think I'm gay!” Eddie suddenly shouts, seeming to instantly regret it as he immediately covers his mouth with his hands. His eyes are wide and panicked, and Buck swears he can see a hint of unshed tears in them. It breaks his heart to see.

“Oh,” Buck says dumbly as he processes the information he's just received, internally cursing himself for being so stupid and awkward and bad at knowing what to say at times like these.

“I'm sorry,” Eddie says quietly, hands still mostly covering his mouth. His voice is muffled and thick with emotion. He brings his legs up onto the couch, wrapping his arms around his knees and curling in on himself even more than before. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I'm so sorry, I-”

“But did you mean it?” Buck interrupts gently. He's getting major flashbacks to both times he came out to his sister—he had been incredibly panicked, just like Eddie is now, but Buck can't help but think there's more fear in his eyes than anxiety. Just like how he was when he came out to his parents.

“What?” Eddie asks, momentarily brought out of his panic.

“Did you mean it?” Buck repeats, carefully moving a few inches closer and gauging Eddie's reaction. When Eddie doesn't react at all, Buck considers it a small win. “Are you gay? Or- do you think you're gay?”

It takes Eddie a moment to respond. He stares down at his knees as he picks at the material of his sweatpants. “I think so,” he finally murmurs, sniffling as the tears just barely start to spill over.

“Oh, Eds,” Buck murmurs sympathetically, shifting a little closer. He opens his arms and nearly gathers Eddie into them, but he thinks better of it. “Can I hold you?” When Eddie nods, Buck pulls him in close, lets Eddie rest his head against his collarbone and cry. “Oh, bub, why you crying?”

“I'm scared, Buck,” Eddie responds in a quiet, broken little voice as his chest heaves and he lets out all of his emotions onto the front of Buck’s shirt and soaking it in the process. Buck doesn’t care, though. He just wants to make Eddie feel better again.

“You’re scared?” Buck asks quietly, wanting to make sure he heard Eddie correctly. When Eddie nods slowly, Buck frowns concernedly, runs his hand up and down his back in a manner that he only hopes is comforting. “Why’s that? If you don't mind me asking.”

Eddie lets out a little breath, shifting so that his cheek is resting against Buck's collarbone. Buck figures it's to make himself more understandable. “It's just… I can't be that guy, you know? I can't be gay, I just— can't.”

Buck frowns, both sympathetically and confusedly, brows furrowing a little. “You… You know there's nothing _wrong_ with being gay, right?”

“I _know_ that,” Eddie says almost desperately, burrowing deeper into Buck's lap. “It's just… I've never said that out loud before. That I'm— that I think I'm gay. Not even to myself. And it's just— I don't… I can't—"

“Hey,” Buck interrupts gently just before Eddie can start working himself up again. “It's okay. I totally understand. I've been right where you are before.”

“I don’t understand,” Eddie says quietly, a little shakily. “You've always been really open about being bi.”

“Well… Yeah. But I'm not talking about when I realized that I'm bi,” Buck says as he lets his hand drift up to gently run through Eddie's curls. Is he really doing this? he wonders. Is he really about to tell Eddie the tragic backstory behind his gender? Well, if it's to comfort Eddie, then Buck would do just about anything. “There's another part of me that I keep hidden from everyone, y'know. It's not like I'm ashamed of it or anything. I used to be. But that’s just because, growing up, my Dad put all these toxic ideas in my head that led me to, um, to be disgusted with myself when I realized it, y'know? And I imagine it's kind of the same way with you and being gay?”

Eddie nods slowly. “Yeah, but I'm confused. What are you saying?”

Buck takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes for a moment to calm himself down. “I'm saying that I'm trans, Eds.”

“Oh.”

“And if you have a problem with that, then whatever. I just wanted you to know that you're not allowed in this scared feeling, ‘cause I was scared and nervous and, y'know, really freaked out when I realized and when I first admitted it out loud,” Buck says, trailing off slowly when he realizes he's getting no response from Eddie beyond silence and a curious stare.

“I don't have a problem,” Eddie says finally, reaching over with one hand to grab one of Buck's. Buck is pleasantly surprised when Eddie interlaces their fingers. “I really appreciate you telling me. I— you're really brave, Evan.”

Something about hearing his name, the one he picked out for himself all those years ago, leaves Buck's mind reeling and releases a flurry of butterflies into his stomach. “Nah,” Buck says, cheeks and the tips of his ears turning red. “You're pretty brave yourself.”

“I'm not brave,” Eddie says quietly and anxiously. He focuses his attention on their interlocked hands. Buck watches curiously as Eddie fiddles almost mindlessly with his fingers. “I'm the one crying my eyes out ‘cause I'm pretty sure I'm gay.”

“You think I _didn't_ cry my eyes out when I realized that I wasn't the girl everyone thought I was?” Buck asks, squeezing Eddie's hand in his lightly. Eddie looks up at him with wide, confused eyes. “Eds, realizing I wasn’t a girl was the scariest moment of my life. I thought I was broken, y’know? Like there was something wrong with me. I was so scared and disgusted with myself. But then after I got the courage to tell Maddie that I thought I was a boy, she… She helped me realize that there _isn’t_ anything wrong with me. You know? That I was just unlucky enough to be born into a girl’s body despite not being one. And, I mean, I still struggle with it some days, but I’m better now. I’m still learning that there’s nothing wrong with being trans. Just like there’s nothing wrong with being gay. If you really are gay, that’s awesome. I’m really proud of you for realizing that, because that kind of big realization is scary. If it turns out that you’re just going through some stuff and you’re really just straight, or, y’know _not_ gay, then that’s cool too. ‘Cause you’re figuring yourself out. But either way, it doesn’t matter. You know why?”

“Why?” Eddie asks, watching Buck curiously.

“‘Cause either way, you’re still Eddie. You’re still my Eds,” Buck murmurs, though he doesn’t mean for the words to come out so emotionally loaded. There’s an unspoken meaning behind his words, that if the pleasantly surprised, almost dreamy look on Eddie’s face is any indication, then it’s something that Eddie’s okay with. “And nothing could change that. You’re always gonna be my guy. No matter what.”

“Buck… _Evan_ ,” Eddie says, voice barely above a whisper. He leans up slowly, painfully slowly, hesitating when their lips are so close together that they’re just barely brushing against each other.

“Are you sure?” Buck asks cautiously. The last thing he wants is to be used by the guy he’s in love with for him to figure out his sexuality. If this is what makes Eddie realize that he’s actually just straight, Buck’s heart might actually break in his chest.

“I’m sure,” Eddie murmurs, watching Buck through half-lidded eyes. Buck doesn’t say anything further, just lets Eddie push forward and take whatever he needs from him. He leans up, up, and up, and the moment their lips finally come together, Buck feels a wave of something akin to relief flood through him. He lets his eyes fall shut, and he could swoon when he feels Eddie’s free hand coming up to thread through the back of his hair, holding him in place as Eddie just takes and takes from him, slow and languid and lazy. Buck’s hand tightens a little in Eddie’s hair, almost on instinct. It feels like hours of their lips moving together as if they’ve done this a thousand times before when Eddie’s finally pulling away enough for them to breathe, almost reluctant in his movements. He rests his forehead against Buck’s, keeps his hands right where they are. “Please don’t go,” he says quietly after a silent moment.

“I won’t,” Buck whispers, brushing his nose against Eddie’s. “I’m not going anywhere. As long as you want me, I’m right here.”

“I do. I do want you,” Eddie replies before pushing back in and pressing his lips back against Buck’s. Buck grins into it, and it leaves a warm feeling in his chest when he feels the corners of Eddie’s lips curling up, too. Buck knows they have a _lot_ to discuss, but right now, he’s perfectly content to just hold and kiss Eddie, and remind him that everything’s okay. He’ll have plenty of time later on to show Eddie just how good and how loved he is.


End file.
